A Special Note to Hatcher

So it is almost midnight and the house is silent. I came down with the flu Friday and thankfully my good friend Brooke saved the day and took the kids to meet dad and then onto grandmas for the weekend. I am feeling better tonight, but its strange not having Hatcher right next to me. Last night even with throwing up and cold sweets I found myself hoping out of bed to Hatcher's cry. I guess its just habit. I think all of the stress has finally gotten to me and my body said no more. Last Friday I got the call I have been anxiously awaiting. Standford had finally made a decision on Hatcher's next open heart surgery that we were planning on happening in June. I was thinking they were going to be giving me an exact date and telling me what to plan for. Instead Hatcher's cardiologist from Primary Children's called with the news that we would not be doing surgery. Dr. Reddy (Hatcher's surgeon) likes them to be at least 30 lbs for the surgery. Hathcer weighs 22lbs. There is no question he needs the surgery, but in order to prevent future complications and avoid ending up on a transplant list he needs to be bigger. I was overwhelmed when I hung up the phone, relived, anxious, worried, all kinds of emotions and tears. I can't imagine life with out him. I have had so many thoughts. This note is for Hatcher, I love you and want you to know how wonderful you make life.

I can remember looking at you when you were this small. I never let my hopes go too far, I just tried to enjoy the moments I had with you. Now you are 2 and 1/2 and all I can think about are my hopes for you. You are a Mamas boy and I love that. Here are some of my favorite things you are doing right now.

• You insist on wearing your rubber boots everywhere we go. You even have been wearing them to church. It's not just the boots, it's the boots on the wrong feet and you are way too stubborn to let mom fix them!
• I always find things in my bed. Tractors, guns, plastic cows, you love sleeping with your toys.
• You sleep with us every night. I think that's my fault. I love that you sleep the best with your head on my chest. I love to hear the rhythm of your breathing and that you always want to hold my hand.
• There are so many days when you just don't feel good. I love that I sooth you. All you need is me to hold you and you are OK.
• I love that you hate getting your blood work done, and that you laughed when you watched me get mine done!
• I love that you lick the frosting off the top of a cup cake and throw the rest in the garbage by yourself.
• Your chipped front tooth.
• You will do anything to spend time with your horses and to be outside. Most of the time that's all you think about. I love that in order to get you to eat a good breakfast you make me pretend that I am feeding you oats just like the horses.
• I love that you love your sister. She is so good to you and you truly feel that. She is your life, if she is there you know it will be OK. I love to watch the two of you, she is so gentle with you, you are a lucky boy to have her, and she you.
• You love to push the little shopping cart at the grocery store and you run into everything because you won't let me help you.
• You love music and dancing with me in the kitchen. Your favorite song is Happy Birthday.
• You like me to paint your toenails.
• You wear your chaps to bed and take naps in your cowboy hat.
• Your favorite movie right now is Black Beauty.
• Although you spend lots of time crying, you love to laugh, the harder the better!
• Your favorite color is pink.
• You let out the loudest shrill when you hear the garage door opening and daddy comes home.

Hatcher I hate the thought of worrying, testing, pokes, echos, ekgs, and all the other things that come with having heart disease, but I will never take for granted just how special you are and the better person you have made me. I know the Lord knows what is best for you, and I will do my best to be patient and understanding. Thank you for loving me. Even when I have to hold you down so you can get an IV or draw blood you still love me, thank you for that sweet little Hatcher, you give me strength.